Coping with caregiving responsibilities can be overwhelming[1. โ6 Signs of Caregiver Burnout,โ December 31, 2011, https://www.aarp.org/relationships/caregiving-resource-center/info-12-2011/caregiver-burnout.html], and is often best handled by multiple people. Do you have a family who can get involved in providing for an older parent? If so, sharing caregiving tasks among siblings is often a great way to lessen the stress. However, as with all families, issues tend to arise when tackling a complex problem like this.
But donโt worry: there are ways to use your familyโs dynamics to have a positive effect on providing care โ and on your mental health as well!
When Caregiving Is a One-way Street
Caregiving often becomes a โone-wayโ street, but not on purpose. In other words, one person becomes the de-facto provider for their parent (or parents) without meaning to. Often, itโs the child who lives closest, or has the best relationship with the parent that is โchosen.โ Other times, children who work part-time, or are in between jobs, are expected to spend every spare moment looking after their parents.
Frequently, siblings donโt bother to pitch in โ or even think about it โ because it doesnโt occur to them that thereโs a problem. At that point, caregiving can become almost full time without the original provider even realizing it. It isnโt until resentment and fatigue creep in that you realize the situation canโt continue like this.
How to Provide Care as a Family
The first step in providing care as a family is to call a family meeting. You should do this as soon as you notice that caregiving has become too much for you[2. โCaregiver stress fact sheet,โ July 6, 2012, https://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/caregiver-stress.html#e] โย and preferably before. Make sure everyone knows what challenges you and your parent are currently facing. If you donโt feel comfortable hosting the meeting alone, consider getting an outside professional to help you. Itโs also a good idea to come to the meeting armed with a clinicianโs assessment of your parentโs needs.
Since scheduling meetings like these can be difficult (especially if siblings live far apart), take advantages of technological tools like Skype. Similarly, methods like email, instant messaging, or even shared Google docs can keep everyone up to date on providing care — once the details are ironed out.
Finally, determine what each personโs contribution will be. It could involve time, money, or even emotional support. Itโs crucial to make clear exactly what each person will do and how often, as well as how the family will coordinate these services.
When You Need More Sibling Support
At times, you may need more support than your siblings are willing to provide. So what do you do if theyโre reluctant to take on caregiving responsibilities? Here are a few tips:
- Be careful of how you ask. Making your sibling feel guilty for not providing enough will only make them feel defensive. Instead, present caregiving as an opportunity to be part of the family team, and to make a real difference in your parentโs life.
- Ask what theyโre willing to provide. Caregiving doesnโt have to be an all-or-nothing scenario. If they canโt visit Mom two days a week, try asking them for one โ as well as a few dollars to hire a home health aide several hours a week.
- Get outside support. Just like holding a family meeting, sometimes certain members need to hear from a professional how important their contribution can be. A reputable home health agency can provide you with a geriatrician, social worker, or other expert to explain the situation.
Caregiving Responsibilities Donโt Have to Be Borne Alone
Sibling relationships can be difficult, even without involving caregiving responsibilities. But itโs important to realize that youโre all coming together for a common goal: to give the best to your parent or parents. By keeping that in mind, you can come up with a solution thatโs fair to everyone, and provides the support that you and your loved one deserve.
If you are unsure of how to best help an aging loved one, the trained and compassionate staff at the Institute on Aging is here to help you make that decision and gain the best in at-home care for older adults. Contact us to find out more.
