When it’s just me and Dad, our time is pleasant, even in the midst of his mobility challenges and his chronic pain and hearing difficulties. We make the most of the obstacles: We try to find the positive spin on everything. We try to fit in some art and music every day to express our emotions, and we have an agreement between us that we’ll seek help when our communication breaks down.
After my aging grandmother lost all of her teeth, she seemed to lose some of her spark. Food was her one true love and she used to eat with the enthusiasm of a hungry child. It was heartbreaking to see that one of her greatest sources of enjoyment became a chore when she lost the ability to chew.
With the barriers of walls and doors, how would you know if your own neighbors are struggling to keep up with vital home repairs and maintenance? More and more, this is becoming a challenge for older adults in the Bay Area—especially if their homes are older and haven’t been updated for their evolving needs.
“My house reminds me of Brasilia! I live there, but it isn’t a home!”
When Tasha realized that her uncle had been stealing his mother’s money for years—small amounts at a time that had been getting bigger—she says she felt paralyzed by the shock of it. Lee had offered to manage his mother’s bills and other finances, and the rest of the family trusted that everything was taken care of. Tasha could hear her uncle’s voice in her head if she were to ask him about it: “I think my mom wants me to have some compensation for all the time I spend. It’s not really a big deal. I’m going to inherit a lot of it anyway.”
For 30 years, Joshua had a routine of climbing San Francisco’s Filbert Steps twice a week. He did it for the views, the exercise, and the interaction with other climbers—many of them tourists who had heard the steps would be a challenge but didn’t realize there were quite so many! Joshua, who is now 73, says he got pretty good at distracting the visitors during their climb by telling them about other great places they should visit in the city, and people were always grateful for his two-part generosity. But in the last five years or so, as his balance became unpredictable, Joshua felt uncomfortable making the climb.
A nurse during the week and a family caregiver on the weekends, Jennifer was struggling with the work overload. She felt relief by blowing off some steam on Facebook, and it became a daily habit, sometimes even while she was spending time caring for her aging aunt. But when her aunt asked how the neighbor knew to call and offer help with the broken dishwasher, Jennifer began to realize just how small the world becomes under the umbrella of social media. Luckily, she hadn’t yet shared anything too personal, and it helped to remind her of the tricky balance caregivers need to find between responsible self-care and compassionate care of loved ones.
We chose the title of this article very carefully. After all, there is a world of difference between two words: “house improvement” doesn’t have the same meaning as “home improvement.” A house is a style of domicile; it’s the mere shape of a thing. A home, though, is something else. It’s where you live. It’s where you create your memories and where you store them. It is the building in which a life is defined.
July 4th is the day to celebrate our dream of freedom and equality. But June is the month to remember the reality of our inequality and our aching responsibility to recommit to freedom. June is World Elder Abuse Awareness Month, and we will work to lift the veil of denial, finger-pointing, and mistaken relief that elder abuse “isn’t my problem.” The problems and the solutions belong to every single one of us as an interdependent community made up of diverse ages, lifestyles, and personal desires for happiness.
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