We’ve seen a spike in stories about sex in nursing homes over the last few years—and they always have titillating headlines, almost designed to induce a giggle, as if the thought of romance and intimacy post-retirement was something out of a corny 80s sitcom.
In 1991, Dr. Bill Thomas was appointed as the medical director in a nursing home in upstate New York, a beautiful region filled with stunning flora and a diversity of wildlife. But the natural beauty of the area was in stark contrast to the nursing home itself, which was somehow both antiseptic and dingy, a joyless place that Dr. Thomas describes as “a repository for old people whose minds and bodies seemed dull and dispirited.” This has long been the case with how our society believes it is acceptable for older adults to live. We act as if their lives are essentially over, and their days of having fun, learning new ideas, being independent, or caring for other living things are long gone. This idea had become so ingrained in our culture that it took an act of pure inspiration to begin to think about aging differently.
Mary’s modest two-story home, situated in San Francisco’s Mission District, was filled with over 3 decades of memories: framed photographs and art she had acquired over her lifetime adorned the walls, and her beloved keepsakes were proudly displayed on countertops. Her late husband’s recliner still sat next to her favorite comfy chair, covered with a handstitched quilt that Mary had made from his shirts.
In 2003, Robert Mondavi surveyed the world-changing company he had built, and was slightly unhappy with it. He felt that the winery which bears his name—that remarkable name which had signified a new era of wine in California and the United States—was focusing too much on substandard and inexpensive wine, and he wanted to refocus the brand. So he rolled up his sleeves and got back to work. He was 90 years old at the time.
Meilin had worked all her life, and she saved her money frugally. She had lived, as she told me, a clean life. One day she was walking down the street near her home in Chinatown, and a woman she didn’t know came up to her and asked if Meilin knew where an address was, saying that at that address, there was a doctor who had healing powers. As they walked, the stranger asked Meilin all sorts of questions about her life. What Meilin didn’t know was that the “doctor” was listening through a cell phone, and when they met, pretended to know all about Meilin. The doctor warned her that a terrible tragedy was going to befall her family unless she brought in a bag full of her money and valuables to get blessed. Meilin, a deeply spiritual and traditional woman, did so. When the bag was returned, the items that were supposed to be blessed had instead been replaced by rocks. She had lost everything.
It sometimes seems as though we’re being constantly bombarded by current events, news items, and media in general. It’s easy to respond by feeling overwhelmed, desensitized, or just plain disinterested. And when it comes to government happenings, in particular, this is even truer: with so many new bills, laws, and legislation frequently being put through, held back, or questioned, it can be near impossible to keep track of everything, and you might just tune things out. But sometimes there are items that we’d all do well to pay attention to. More specifically, there’s been one recent change in legislation that brings further hope to caregivers, older adults, and Americans at large: the reauthorization of the Older Americans Act has big implications—the future of aging in America just got a little brighter.
One of Tom’s all-time favorite movies is Notorious, the Alfred Hitchcock thriller with Cary Grant, Ingrid Bergman, and Claude Rains. It’s a typical ex-Nazi/spy/double-crossing feature, with some of the master’s best direction. One scene that always stuck with Tom was the final descent by Grant and Bergman down the main staircase, in which they were always moving, but which was shot in such a way that it seemed to take twice as long as it should have. It raised unbearable tension and a sense of heightened unreality. A simple staircase suddenly seemed something incredibly ominous.
Institute on Aging (IOA) CONNECT is your direct line to us and the starting point for help with your concerns about the needs of older adults and adults with disabilities. IOA CONNECT links you with our services, as well as community services available. Reach out to connect with us.
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